“I Don’t Want to Go to Dad” – What to Do When a Child Refuses Contact With the Other Parent in Poland

A few words from a child, spoken moments before a scheduled visit, can set off a chain reaction. The parent with day-to-day care faces an impossible-feeling choice: force the child and risk a scene, give in and risk being accused of obstructing contact, or find something in between. There is no single right answer. But there are things worth knowing before you react.

Table of Contents

1. Where does the child’s reluctance come from?
2. Manipulation or a real problem?
3. How to respond in the moment
4. How to help your child accept contact
5. When is intervention needed – legal or professional?
6. FAQ

Where Does the Child’s Reluctance Come From?

Before doing anything, it is worth asking this question honestly – even if the answer might be uncomfortable.

A child’s reluctance to attend contact visits is rarely random. It may stem from the tension the child senses between the parents. Children are extraordinarily perceptive in this regard and often react to adult conflict before the adults themselves have noticed it. It may come from the fact that the visits are simply not engaging for the child – the parent spends the time on their phone, does not know how to fill the hours, does not understand what the child is interested in right now. It may also stem from something more serious: tension, shouting or inappropriate behaviour during visits.

And it may stem from the influence of the parent the child lives with. This is the most difficult case, because it requires distinguishing deliberate manipulation from a situation where the child simply absorbs the atmosphere at home and – without any intentional interference – picks up that contact visits are “a problem.”

None of these scenarios is more likely by default. Each requires individual assessment.

Manipulation or a Real Problem?

This question comes up in almost every case where a child expresses reluctance about contact. And it is – paradoxically – the hardest question to ask yourself honestly when you are a party to the conflict.

Signs that may point to manipulation: the child uses phrasing that sounds like an adult’s words rather than their own; the reluctance appears suddenly, without any specific triggering event; the child cannot explain why they do not want to go, or gives reasons that change from one conversation to the next.

Signs that may point to a genuine problem during contact visits: the child returns from visits visibly frightened or agitated; they can describe specifically what is bothering them; their account is consistent and repeating.

In practice these two scenarios are often intertwined. A child may have real reasons to feel uncomfortable during visits and at the same time be reinforced in that reluctance by the parent they live with. This is precisely why a comprehensive assessment matters – not one filtered through your own convictions about what is “really” happening.

How to Respond in the Moment

Stay calm – literally. Children read a parent’s emotions with remarkable precision. If the child sees that the situation is producing anxiety, tension or relief in you, they respond accordingly. A calm, neutral demeanour is not indifference – it is protecting the child from being drawn into the adult conflict.

Ask, but do not interrogate. There is a difference between “what is going on, why don’t you want to go?” and repeated, pressing questions that generate stress in themselves. If the child does not want to talk – do not push. If they do – listen without commenting and without judging.

Be consistent – if there are no serious reasons for concern. Giving in every time the child protests is not protecting the child. It is teaching them that protest works. Children need boundaries and predictability – even when they are actively resisting them in the moment. It is worth saying calmly: “I understand you don’t feel like it right now. But seeing dad/mum is important and we are going today.”

Do not offer rewards. Negotiating the child’s cooperation with the message that “dad is difficult but you’ll get ice cream when you’re back” is as harmful as direct manipulation. The child learns that contact visits are something unpleasant that deserves compensation.

How to Help Your Child Accept Contact

This depends on which side of the arrangement you are on.

If you have day-to-day care of the child: Talk about the other parent neutrally – even if your relationship is difficult. Children do not need their parents to be friends. They need each parent to allow them to love the other one without guilt. Prepare your child for visits in advance, calmly and without dramatising. When they come back, show interest – but do not conduct a debrief.

If you are the parent entitled to contact: Be predictable. Children cope well with routine and cope badly with uncertainty. If you say you will be there at ten, be there at ten. Focus on the child – put the phone away, do not invite other people without warning, do not plan the time so intensively that the child comes back exhausted. Do not ask about the other parent. Do not try to buy the child’s affection with gifts – it does not work and you both know it.

When Is Intervention Needed?

A child psychologist – worth considering when the reluctance has been going on for some time, when the child is visibly distressed before or after visits, or when their behaviour is changing in a worrying way. A psychologist is not on either parent’s side – they are on the child’s side. And they often help parents see the situation differently from how it looks through the lens of their own conflict.

Legal steps – if the child’s reluctance is being consistently fuelled by the other parent and you have evidence of this, you can apply for a psychological expert assessment on the question of parental alienation, for a change in the form of contact (a neutral location, supervision by a court-appointed supervisor or psychologist), or for enforcement proceedings.

It is also worth looking critically at the contact order itself. A vaguely worded order – one that does not specify the exact location, times and handover conditions – is a straightforward path to misunderstanding. Precision in the order means less room for interpretation and fewer opportunities for conflict. If the original order is too general, an application to have it clarified or amended is often the most practical first step.

FAQ

Do I have to send my child if they are crying and refusing to go? As a general rule, yes – unless there are serious, specific reasons such as the child’s health condition confirmed by a medical certificate, the court order applies. Refusing to hand over the child can result in enforcement proceedings and financial penalties.

What if the child says they are afraid of the other parent? This should be taken seriously and carefully at the same time. Talk to the child calmly, without leading questions. If the fear is specific and recurring, it is worth consulting a psychologist and considering an application to the court for a change in the form of contact.

Does the child’s wishes carry legal weight in Poland? Yes – the older the child, the more weight the court gives to their views. Polish family courts listen to children who have reached an appropriate age and take their opinion into account. It is not automatically decisive, however – particularly where there is reason to suspect it has been shaped by one of the parents.

Can I record a conversation with my child as evidence? Recording conversations you are personally part of is legal in Poland. Such a recording can be admitted as evidence. It is worth bearing in mind, however, that recording a child in order to gather evidence in a dispute with the other parent is sometimes viewed by the court as inappropriate – particularly if it takes the form of questioning the child. It is better to speak with a lawyer about which types of evidence actually carry weight in your specific case.

When can I apply for a psychological expert assessment? At any point in court proceedings. You can apply for expert evidence if you have grounds to argue that the child’s reluctance is the result of manipulation, or that situations harmful to the child are occurring during contact visits.

I am a foreign national living in Poland. Does any of this apply differently to me? No – your rights and obligations under Polish family law are the same regardless of your nationality. If a Polish court has issued a contact order, it applies to both parents equally. The proceedings are conducted in Polish, so having a lawyer who can represent you and communicate with the court on your behalf is particularly important if your Polish is limited.

Do you need legal help with child contact arrangements in Poland? Call: +48 531 335 713 or email: kancelaria@prawnikodrozwodu.pl

This article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every family law case is individual and requires analysis of the specific circumstances and documents involved. The law firm accepts no liability for actions taken on the basis of the information contained in this article. For legal advice tailored to your situation, please contact our office.

Kancelaria Prawa Rodzinnego (Family Law Office): Adwokat Michalina Koligot, Adwokat Marta Krzyżanowicz, Adwokat Anna Konrady, Radca prawny Joanna Jędrzejewska ul. Mickiewicza 18a/3, 60-834 Poznań | tel. +48 531 335 713 | kancelaria@prawnikodrozwodu.pl | www.prawnikodrozwodu.pl